So, India has been pretty miserable. Yes the conditions are ridiculous with the inescapable heat, the bug infested everything, the sicknesses, the boards we sleep on, right down to the duct taped on toilet seat (although I am thankful to actually have a toilet that flushes). However, beyond the outside difficulties I have been pretty miserable on the inside to. Angie calls this my "bloody mess"- she says she felt this way about a month ago, like you fell flat on your face and got rocks in all your cuts. Well, I have just been feeling awful. While I don't want to fill this blog with negative thoughts, they are the only kind I have been having lately. So instead I will post some lyrics to a song I discovered on my Mp3 player that describe how I feel and how I hope to feel soon. Please pray for me, and pray that I have some sort of breakthrough. I don't know what that breakthrough will look like, or what I should be striving towards, but I know something needs to change (hey Seth, if you have any super deep World Race insight feel free to email me!)
Beauty from Pain- Superchicks
The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me I know I'm alive but I feel like I've died
And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that I made
I try to keep warm but I just grow colder I feel like I'm slipping away
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain You will bring beauty from my pain
My whole world is the pain inside me The best I can do is just get through the day When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Here I am, at the end of me
Tryin to hold to what I can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn
After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain
Hey everyone! Each evening for the next 12 days (well including yesterday) we have different Christmas festivities. Last night we all made stockings :) All of last week was spent decorating the house to be ready for Christmas. Here are some photos of the decorations.
This is our fire place... since this picture we have added all of our team "photos" and Meredith made a really awesome pipe cleaner World Race sign. This is Andi, our creative genious
Our beautiful Christmas tree... Again it looks totally different. It has green "branch" pipe cleaners sticking out from it (as done by Robby and Matt P) and we have all made pipe cleaner decorations for it. It's interesting... well tacky... but very fun. It's fun to see everyone's creative sides coming out. Who knew so many of us were such talented pipe cleaner artists?
This is the advent caldendar I made. Today day 2 was opened! I have little pictures behind each one... chocolate would be fun, but I was pretty proud of myself anyway.
Our team "photo"... by Steve Wright
Hey Michael and Kathy! We didn't forget you!! (Just pretend you made it)(Patrice really did)
Our North Pole! It lights up when the bug repeller is on... I mean, when we turn on the pole...
We have some very creative people on our team, and Christmas has been a fun way of bringing us all together. It's going to be great! Especially since Christmas is on the night we all first met at training camp last year. It will be Christmas and Anniversary all in one! Merry Christmas!
Hey everyone! Last week we took a squad-wide trip to the Taj Mahal. It is one of the 7 wonders of the world and we wanted to make sure to see it before we left India. It was a really nice break from our routine.
The first glimpse of the Taj.
Me and Rubie in front of the Taj Mahal.
The Taj is made completely out of marble, with all of the designs made from inlaid stones. The amount of time it took to make even one panel is incredible.
All of the markings you see are inlaid stone. The entire Koran is written over and over on the walls in stone.
Day 3 was spent reading the parts of the 5 Love Languages that were applicable to me, and writing down what each "language" entails. I also managed to leave the house for a while and help find some prices on things to fix up the orphanage that we are helping out with here.
Day 4 was another day of revelation for me. I really wanted to find out my love language because I have such a hard time accepting love. What God had told me two days prior was that there had only ever been one person who's love I had never truly questioned. Only one person's love I had never doubted. I wanted to know why that was, and how I could change that. Part of trusting God would be to trust His love for me.
In order to find out my love language, the book gave 3 questions to help you answer that. What hurts most when someone fails to do it? What do you most often request? What do you show love by? I started by answering these, and at first it looked as though I was either all of them, or none of them. After more thought and understanding of the love languages (which include Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Gifts, Acts of Service and Physical Touch) I finally figured out what I am. I am a physical touch person. Secondly I am a words of affirmation person. However, what I discovered as a big problem, is that I don't like to initiate or ask for that type of love because deep down I have believed that if I ask for it then it's not real love anyway because I had to tell them, and therefore it was forced.
I realize now that if I tell someone my love language and they do that for me, it isn't because I told them to, it's because they love me and they really want to show me that, by remembering what I told them and putting it into action. It is hard to change a mindset that I have had (conciously or not) for almost 22 years. It will be slow, but at least now I can see where my problem is, that it is my problem, and I can begin to work on it. This is going to help with accepting love from other people. From God, well that it is going to come with my trust of Him that I learned about on day 2.
The other thing I had been thinking about, asking God about and trying to do over the course of these days was to be able to understand forgiveness of and prayer for the attackers. When I was at Alabanza (the place near Pretoria we spent a few days after the Joburg event before flying to India) I met a guy there that I was able to talk to for just a few minutes. I was telling him some of the funny things that the robbers left behind and just talking about the situation in general. The guy (I don't even know his name) was laughing, and agreed with me about God's goodness. He told me that he had been on both sides. That he had used to be like the robbers (although not as pathetic he said) and now he is on God's side and that God's side is so much better. He mentioned that the reason he was now on God's side and could see how good it is was because people had been praying for him. This story really helped me to be able to understand the importance of praying for the men who attacked us. It gave me real proof that praying for those guys would do good. I was able to forgive the men (to the best of my understanding of forgiving people I don't know) the night that God gave me His peace. Day 1 of this journey God gave me the verse Deuteronomy 20:10 When you march up to attack a city, first make them an offer of peace.
I feel like through this God was showing me that He is always going to offer His grace and restoration before bringing down wrath on the attackers. He reminded me that we are all the same in His eyes. Through the guy at Alabanza, and the realization that God wants to offer His grace to the men, and that maybe they have no one else to pray for them, finally on day 4 I was able to pray for them, with honesty and sincereity. While I know they have hurt me, I will overcome it. God will provide everything I need, He is my counsellor. So while I ask that you do continue praying for me, and my heart and my health that you also join with me in this prayer:
God I ask that you bring Christians into the lives of the men who attacked the squad. You have turned other criminals lives to you because of the prayers of your people. I don't know if those men have anyone else to pray for them. God give them as many opportunities as needed so that they will come to trust and know you. Begin a work in them. Give them courage to change their lives. Don't allow them to hurt anyone else. Protect those who come across their paths. Cause them to read the Bibles, journals and letters that they took. Use them to give them an understanding of you. Convict their hearts so that they truly repent to you. Use them as sources of influence to their families, friends, city and country. Thank-you for the opportunity I have to be used in your kingdom to pray for those who come against me. Use that moment in Johannesburg as the turning point of those men's lives. Thank you for the influence and testimony that they will have because of you. In your name, Jesus, Amen.
This day in my processing journey was a lot harder than the previous. God was a little more harsh with me. Well, a lot more. He said things to me in a way that would make me sit up and listen. The second half of His 2 page speech was an affirmation of His love, and a lot gentler than the first half, but it still had some hard things to grasp in it. Let me start at the beginning.
I asked God that if I haven't given my whole heart to Him, like I had thought, then what did I need to do for Him to get the whole thing. This is when the flood gates opened and He started to speak and I struggled to write it all down quickly enough. After He was finished I came up with a list of 7 things that He had said were required for me to give Him my whole heart.
1. Stop complaining 2. Start trusting in His goodness 3. Put Him first. Completely first. Always. 4. Stop relying on others (take responsibility for my relationship with God) 5. Accept His love 6. Give Him control 7. Take the opportunities I'm given to be His hands and feet
There is more than a little to chew on in that list. These are not the easiest of things to do, and especially not all at once. Although, as I look at them now these are all the things I have been learning to do this year. I guess that's why God said to me near the end of His speech "Don't let go of all the truth you have gained this year. It's been a battle and now you have to stand your ground. Don't let them take it."
What I spent most of that second day focussed on was trust. I made some word pictures of what it means to trust, and what I can trust God for. Trust means to:
believe,
give up control,
unwavering,
unrelenting,
dependence,
reliance,
no doubt,
no fear,
blessed,
God's timing,
first response,
peace,
worthy,
never alone,
best interest,
guidance,
obedience,
hope,
justified,
faith,
confident.
I can trust God that He will protect, be merciful, love, never leave, provide, listen, redeem, have grace, give peace, comfort, care, carry, keep promises, never betray, bring freedom, guiide, never change, save, teach, forgive.
God showed me how I was a lot like the Israelites. Within the first 2 years in the desert they
1. Faced hardships
2. Forgot God's provision/protection
3. Began to complain
-They had a lack of faitih, which showed they didn't know how to trust God.
My journey in the two weeks since the Joburg event was very similiar to their two years in the desert. I faced a hardship, I forgot about God's protection and then I complained, demonstrating my lack of trust.
God is a funny guy. I spent all day thinking about trust, and learning what it means to trust. Again I picked up my Bible to read the next part of Jeremiah and the daily devotional was all about trust. It always amazes me how God confirms what He is saying to me through outside sources. Another confirmation were two songs that I listened to that really spoke to me by the Superchicks. One was Beauty from Pain which reminded me of Romans 8:28, the verse that I have been living by these past few weeks- that God will bring good from everything for those who love Him. The other was Stand in the Rain and it talks about standing firm through the hard times- Stand in the rain, Stand your ground, Stand up when it's all crashing down. To me this confirmed what God had been saying about not letting go of all that I had learned this year, to stand my ground and hold onto it.
So overall the theme of the day was trust. However, another thing that He had told me was really unsettled in me, and I wanted to dive into it more. I wanted to know how to change myself to be more accepting of His love. He had said some interesting things about my ability to accept love, and so throughout the next couple of days that is the theme I stuck with. Keep reading my next blog to see what happened.
I started out with some goals for my time with God. Each day I accomplished some goals, and gained some new ones. On the first day I was able to use the goals as a starting point on where to go with God. He then directed the rest of the day, without me thinking about the goals, and by the end of the day I saw how He had taken me though many of the different areas that I had wanted to. It was really interesting the way that happened. The way the day went was a little jumbled, with somethings occuring out of sequence from the order that I can make sense of. After talking about it later on with some people though, I saw how it all fits together. This is what I learned on this first day of processing (which was 2 days later than planned because I was really sick in bed- having recovered from that stomach stuff I now have a really bad cough).
The first really awesome thing God showed me was His protection. I had asked Him where He was, and what His perspective on the whole event was. He showed me a couple of really funny pictures to demonstrate His protection of us through out. I saw us all huddled on the floor of our dorm room and God was over us, protecting us like either Harry Potter's invisibility cloak or the force field orb shield that the little girl on The Incredibles has. He also showed me that when I stood up to go get my money for the guy out of my purse (which funny enough he had already stolen my wallet, which later on was found with my money still in it), God was still all around me, like He had split into 2 force fields.
At another point I was asking God why I had reacted the way that I had. I asked God why I had allowed my heart to get as hard as I had. He told me it was because although I still had my faith, I hadn't quite given Him my WHOLE HEART yet. My foundational trust had been built this year, but I hadn't given Him complete control, I was still basing our relationship on my feelings. Later on though (I mentioned nothing happened in sequence) I was about to read my Bible, and I am reading through it from start to finish. I have been reading Jeremiah, and so far it hadn't been too exciting. In my mind it was almost like a challenge to God to see if He could keep speaking to me through Jeremiah like He had been speaking to me all day. I don't know why I had been thinking that way, but it was just a fleeting thought. Then something amazing happened. God spoke through Jerermiah! Using the same words He had said to me earlier! (He is speaking of those who had been captured and taken to Babylon AKA something bad had happened to them). Jeremiah 24:7
I will make them want to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people and I will be
their God, because they will return to me with their WHOLE HEARTS. God is promising me here that I will be able to give Him my whole heart. He had also really been impressing on me the verse Romans 8:28 We know that in everything God works for the good of those who love Him. He is showing me that through this event He will be able to use it for good, to help me realize I still had more to give Him. When I give my heart wholly to God I will be such a better person.
Being better includes my choice to be in India. I have chosen to be here, I have not been forced here. My mom told me I could go home, Michael had been wondering if I needed to go home, and God told me that even though it wasn't the best choice if I really wanted to that I could go home (I had only ever been questioning going home for a month, not for the rest of the year). Since I have chosen to be here through the heat, the bouts of no electricity and water, and my constant illness (although I hadn't gotten sick yet when I decided to stay) I can be more effective (when I get healthy) since I don't feel like I have been forced here. God told me all that too.
The last thing that He showed me on that first day with Him was about my fear. I was reading 2 Corinthians as well. As I was reading I came across this verse (it's funny how although I read in order the verses I need are always in that days reading). 2 Corinthians 7:5-6 When we came into Macedonia we had no rest.. We found trouble all around us. We had fighting on the outside and fear on the inside. But God, who comforts those who are troubled, comforted us when Titus came.
The first thing I found striking was that by changing 3 simple words those verses apply exactly to me. Here is the verse again with only 3 word changes.
When we came into the Brown Sugar we had no rest. We found trouble all around us. We had thieves on the outside and fear on the inside. But God, who comforts those who are trouble, comforted us when the Hindes's came.
The fact that Paul talks about having fear made me feel a lot better about having had fear inside me. Although we aren't supposed to worry and be afraid, sometimes it happens. Even Paul got scared! If Paul had fear, then certainly it is ok that I was afraid. The point is to not get stuck in the fear and live in fear forever. He then comforted me with Psalm 23:4 Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil because you are with me. Your rod and your staff they comfort me. The "staff" is the stick that shepherds use to guide their sheep. What they verse is saying is that God's guidance comforts me, and I don't need to be afraid when I am following His lead. (Within the next couple of days I received an email from my aunt who sent me this same verse to comfort me. It's amazing how God works).
Even now as I am writing this, I am seeing how more of what God said to me that day fits in (that is why journalling is important, so that you have everything written down, whether you think it is important or not). I don't need to be afraid when I am following God's guidance. This is proved by more of what spoke to me through Jeremiah. The safest place to be is in God's will. 3 prophets in Jeremiah 26 were going to be killed because of the messages God had been giving through them. Two of those prophets were ready to die for God, and His words. Because of their submission to God and authority God caused the leaders to believe them and therefore save them from death. However, the third, after hearing of his impending death ran away to Egypt. There he was found, dragged back home and killed. It is best to stick it out with God's plans, because like Caroline said "unless God says it's ok no gun will ever shoot us".
As you can see, Day 1 was full of revelations and comforting from God. He spoke to me through pictures, thoughts and the Bible. He revealed the source of my reaction, helped me to understand my fear, showed me where He was during it, and gave me His perspective. The second day was another day of revelations, but it was not so warm-fuzzy, and a lot harder to hear. Read my next blog to see how it went.
As many of you know, our squad was held at gunpoint during which lots of our stuff was stolen, while in a hostel in Johannesburg, South Africa. After our "event" in Johannesburg right before coming to India I felt rather traumatized. This came as quite a surprise to me, because I really thought that I would be ok. Throughout the event I was fairly calm (although shaking like a leaf on a windy day), but I didn't really grasp what was happening. I'm not sure if I fully understand it now, or if I ever will. I do know that you will NEVER know how you will respond to a situation until it happens to you. At one point during debrief Michael said something to the effect of "you are pretty strong, I didn't think something like this would affect you so much" to which I replied "I didn't think so either, until last week". It is really surprising what happens to you.
After breaking down the night of the event, followed by not sleeping until I saw the sun rising, and freaking out again the next night I went into survival mode. I told myself that everything would be fine, I just needed to make it to India because Michael and Kathy would be there and they could help me. So I started surviving. I made it to India (after hours of delays at the airport in Abu Dhabi and hours of delays trying to get from the airport in New Delhi to our home here). A couple of days after when Michael and Kathy arrived, we met up with them at a restaurant. There the strangest thinig happened. It was as though the "I'll be fine until I see them" mentality worked, because as soon as I saw them I started to cry. Right there in the restaurant. I don't even think the Hindes's knew (at least until after when I was talking to them for a brief moment and I started to cry AGAIN). Magen was sitting next to me and couldn't figure out what had happened that had sparked the sudden water works. And so began the week of tears.
I cried in the evenings, I cried talking to Michael and the squad when he asked about the event, I cried during one of my team debriefs. Even throughout, I felt completely ridiculous, because it was not such a huge deal (everyone was safe, it was just a bit of stuff taken, nothing super important). Besides, everyone else seemed just fine, and was talking about how they weren't scared and it was ok because God is bigger than that. They thought about crying for 30 seconds until they were over it and figured out that God was so awesome and looked after us all. Well, so whenever I heard that it made me feel even worse because I WAS scared, and I DID feel like crying all the time. It got to the point where I just wanted to go home. I didn't feel like I was ever going to be ok, and although I didn't blame God for what happened, for some reason our relationship had stopped. I had nothing left to say to Him. I was over it, done with praying. Not forever, I didn't doubt God, or anything, I still had my faith, but I just had nothing to say. Then it happened.
It was our last night of debrief. We were having worship and Jake (a previous racer) was going to share with us. I was seriously debating whether to go home or not. I figured it was a big enough deal to at least give God some say in the matter. So I prayed. The first sentance in I got this overwhelming, complete peace in me. I was covered by it, surrounded with it, filled up from it, totally soaked in it. I had the peace that passes understanding. Let me tell you, it sure passes my understanding. Literally one minute I felt like crying every 5 minutes, jumping at every noise, and being terrified of every man who looked my direction, had his hand in his pocket or walked in my direction. The next minute I was so peaceful that none of those things scared me anymore, I haven't jumped at a noise since and I haven't felt like crying since either. It was so overwhelming, and so desperately needed. I decided to stick it out in India, through the difficulty of it all, and see where God takes me this month. I did hear God calling me to spend some time with Him instead of going out to ministry so that He could help me work through some of what happened. So that was what I decided to do. These next few blogs are going to tell you what happened throughout the few days I spent with God. It was a long hard process, but good things came from it. So keep reading!
Hello! I have been meaning to write a few actual blogs that say something, but it just hasn't happened yet. I have been sick since last Sunday in some form or another (now I thankfully only have a cold). I haven't gone to any ministry yet, because I have used the week to spend with God and to process through my feelings about the event in Joburg. During that, all sorts of other issues turned up that I needed to work on, and it has been going well. When I get around to writing those blogs, I will tell you more about what God had to say to me. It wasn't all pretty. I also spent some time trying to rest and maybe feel better. Our team has been meeting regularly to share about our days and about how we are feeling. It has been really nice to have them there so that I can share with them about what God was teaching me that day. The ministry opportunities here are many and varied. I hope to go start going to one on Monday. There is the physical labour orphanage crew, the children's ministry orphanage crew, the leper colony crew and the Burmese refugee/college ministry (depending on the day). It sounds like everyone is enjoying them. The electricity is on, most of the time, and we fixed the water pump, so after a day and a half without, we got water again yesterday. Good old India.
